THIS COULD BE US, BUT I WAS PLAYIN

October 18, 2018

Repost from #BrInspired

 

When I logged onto social media that day, I was SHOOK! I was a little hurt but a lotta salty! Getting rejected by someone I liked was a hard enough pill to swallow, but to see that he was in a WHOLE relationship with someone else just left me STING’N. Every tweet, IG and FB post I seen was him and her, and it brought me back to the moment we both realized that I was playin’.

Let me explain:

 

Before the true end of my relationship, my ex and I took a very long break. During that time,  I also got closer to an old friend that I was working with. We didn’t hang out much due to distance and schedules, but we talked…habitually. For your need-to-know, I’ll refer to him as Mr. Self-made. We talked about everything from travel, dreams to goals, and all the in between. I finally decided for certain that my ex and I wouldn’t get back together, and to be real, Mr. Self-made was a big reason why. 

 

I won’t say I left my ex for him (because we all know how that went down), rather the idea of someone like him. He was literally everything a girl could ask for in a guy… everything I wished my EX coulda been. He was sweet, self-motivated, intellectual, cute, accepting, spiritual, fine, genuine and, did I mention he was a snack??! I knew that if I had a chance to get that, then there was no reason I should still be in my bogus relationship. 

 

We continued to get a little closer, and although the last thing I wanted to do was rush into another relationship, I was willing to take time really getting to know him. I felt like I knew there was a mutual like between us, but I couldn’t bring myself to expose any of my feelings. One night we kicked it until 4 in the AM, just talking and kinda being cute or whateva, and then he kissed me… 

 

Instead of soaking in that moment, I gently pushed him away. It’s not like I didn’t want him to kiss me, I was just so taken back that all I could say was “I just got out of a relationship…” 

 

I wanted to finish my sentence and let him know that I just needed to take my time. Instead he apologized, commented on my soft lips, and all I could do was awkwardly create small talk of my lip care regimen (aloe vera gel + vasoline E. night). We hung out another time and I really wanted to bring that night up, but I wasn’t willing to set myself up to be rejected and hurt by another guy, so I kept quiet. 

 

Time went on and we talked less and less. Until one day, he hit me up and I figured that I was finally ready to express my feelings to him, because better late than never, right? I decided that I would “shoot my shot”…

and BOOOOOOY did that thang BRICK!

 

He told me he had no clue that I liked him, and he also told me that “it wasn’t the right time” for him to be in a relationship *rolls eyes* I was UPSET (in my Drake voice). For the longest I was a little bitter. That same hurt and rejection that I tried to avoid by keeping my mouth shut was the same feelings I felt when I finally spoke up. 

But the main reason I was so butt-hurt, was because I knew that I got in my own way. I was not emotionally prepared to be open and put my feelings on the line for another man, even if he was a good guy. As much as I wanted to believe that I could welcome him into my life, I just wasn’t ready! 

 

It was hard to come to terms with my role in this, but I believe it all worked out for the best. I was at the most vulnerable point in my adult life, and getting into another relationship truly wasn’t the best idea. “Hurt people hurt people” is what they say, and I would’ve hated to inflict the same pain I endured onto someone else. 

 

Mr. Self-made helped me learn a lot about myself, like the fact that clearly I don’t take rejection well. That lesson helped me see that I was truly an emotional hot mess! God had a reason for me sitting that relationship out because I’m still bearing scars from my past. By God presenting Mr. Self-made to me, he was able to show me that I was worth more than what I was putting up with. I deserve someone who carried the good qualities of Mr. Self-made, AND THEN SOME! It shouldn’t take a man to show me that I needed to move on from where I was, but God is good at speaking my language.

 

Out of all of the embarrassment of pouring out my feelings, taking a risk at being vulnerable and getting rejected in the end, I can still feel good about myself. To think that at my lowest of lows I was able to attract a beautiful soul like Mr. Self-made, I just think about what I will attract when I’m at my best.

 

#BrInspired

IG @briamcarey

 

 

Brianna Carey is the founder of  #BrInspired, an online journal of her life experiences and lessons learned. The purpose of #BrInspired is to inspire at least one woman to be “God’s kind of beautiful” in life, in relationships and in herself.

 

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