Repost from #BrInspired
Like anyone else, I believed our love story was the best. From the jump you did everything right; you were sweet, made me laugh like crazy, and you were a mama’s boy (for some reason I find that to be so cute!). We had intellectual conversations about life, our Walmart trips were #RelationshipGoals, and you always believed in my ability to be great. Like anyone else, we were far from perfect, but at the end of the day, I saw us going the distance, foreva-eva.
As you know, things started to take a turn when I realized “the cheating change” in you. The one where you made small changes that you didn’t even notice until I actually pointed it out. Then suddenly, I became the only one responsible for your attitude and loyalty. Despite the obvious, our conversations quickly turned into arguments, and the only laughs were the ones playing on whatever Netflix movie kept us company. Our phone conversations consisted of breathing and ultimately, you broke whatever trust we had.
So, how are MY FAULTS the reason for our breakup when YOU made the biggest mistake?
Well, although I got P L A Y E D (like a dummy), I still believed that we’d get through it (like a dummy), so I didn’t leave (like a dummy). The arguing and shift in our relationship didn’t do it enough for me to leave either, because those were all things I convinced myself to believe were a “normal” part of dating. And one thing I’m not, is a quitter.
Our breakup was my fault because among other things, I finally realized that our relationship was a product of the faults I refused to acknowledge in myself…
and THAT was the FIRST mistake.
“Like attracts like” is the phrase used in science, but I found its no different in relationships, and especially not when it comes to us. When we broke up, I realized my “unattractive or unsatisfactory feature in my character“ was my ease to compromise who I was and what I wanted just to have someone. I’ve always known I was strong; I knew I deserved to be with someone who wanted me and no one else; and most importantly, I knew I wanted to be with a true M.O.G. (Man of God).
Instead of waiting on God and the right man, I weakened my confidence in myself thinking I had to accept the fact that I wasn’t enough. I compromised my dignity in trying to accept that multiple times I wasn’t the onlyone. And I was foolish enough to equate your typical “I believe in God” answer, to actually living your life like you love God. So, not only do I take accountability for the breakup, but for the relationship as a whole. I knew better, but not enough to do better.
As crazy as it sounds, when I think back on our relationship I don’t think there’s anything I would do differently (except leave the first time). In taking accountability in MY faults, I realized that there was no way I could attract what I truly wanted without first becoming that. So, oddly enough, I thank you. Thank you for showing me all that I was NOT so I could become all that I want to be- for myself and the right man. You hurt me SO bad in the process, damn near to the core. But I can’t ignore the fact that I hurt myself too.
At the end of the day,
I’m back & I’m better (no B. Tiller!)
and what didn’t kill me… well you know!
Let’s be friends on Instagram: @briamcarey
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