So you meet a guy (or girl) at the bar. You’re thinking, “Damn, he’s an upgrade from the guy that just shouted at me outside.” Your standards have approached levels low enough to hit a toddler in the face and suddenly, you are open to giving this stranger your phone number. You lean in like the sexy, bronzed goddess you are and whisper your number in his ear. Your liquor infused breath hits the side of his head with the heat of a thousand suns. He smiles and walks away.
The next morning he texts you. He asks, “So when can I see you again?” You take a moment to remember who the fuck is texting your phone. “Oh yeah!” You remember. You screenshot his message and send it to one of many group chats you keep for all occasions of your life. Your friend, the one that cares way too much about if you’re getting some, responds first. “Bitchhhh. Let him know you’re available.”
You agree to see this fine gentleman again. As the group text exclaimed, “Why turn down a free meal?” They’re right. You like food. You set up a date.
So, there you are, sitting across from your date at the Applebee’s closest to the bar where you met him. The waitress comes around and he reminds you, “I got this.” Cool. He can afford cheap food. You order an entrée and watch him take an unnecessarily long breath because he thought you were going to order a half-priced appetizer. That’s why y’all met up between 5 and 2 PM on a weekday, sis.
After 15 minutes of sipping tap water, you realize that this date is going nowhere. He asks if you want a half-priced margarita for the fifth time. You sit in an awkward silence after saying no once again, this time with the aggression of ten Beyoncés at Coachella. At this point you know it’s time to leave. Free food was never worth this amount of negative energy.
Peep game, Queen. BHC got you.
Here are the 5 Ways to End a Bad Date:
1. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom.
Ahh, the restroom. The restroom is a safe haven for you to phone a friend, call an Uber, or sneak out of the nearest emergency exit. The possibilities are endless.
2. Make Up an Excuse
Once you return from the restroom, assuming you didn’t take the emergency exit route, tell this fine gentleman that you are suddenly sick and have to go.
Other excuses include:
“I just got called into work.”
“My roommate is trippin’.”
“My car got towed.”
“The police are at my house.”
“The new season of Insecure started early”
"I left a pot on the stove."
"My dog ran into the neighbors yard again."
"I have a paper to write."
"I get the bubble guts often."
"You remind me of my ex."
3. Act a Damn Fool
If spilling water on yourself or talking about your ex don’t do it, honey, act a fool. Use your imagination. We don’t have to explain this one.
4. Plan ahead
The pre-meditated bail out is a smart option. Set a time for a friend to call you while you’re on the date. Establish codes. If the date is going well say, “Yes, my new hair dryer works great.” If the date is going bad (which it is) say, “No, my new hair dryer cut out on me today.” Then, excuse yourself from the table because you have to go and dry your hair.
5. Be honest
Out of all of these tips, this is the one we are actually serious about Queen. If the date is not going well, speak up and let the person know. While most of us would suffer in silence, recognize that your time is valuable. Say something. We’re too old to play games. A simple, “Thank you for making the time to meet with me. I don’t think we have a lot of things to talk about.” Or asking, “How do you think this is going?” Break the ice. He’s probably just as nervous as you.
Please remember that just because you go out on a date with someone does not mean you have to spend the rest of your life with them. Make the most of your bad date. Decide to have fun. After all, the stories you will tell your group chat will be comedy gold.
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