September 30, 2018

I did the one thing I said I would never do. I allowed myself to be tempted by “what could have been” instead of focusing on what God blessed me with. That’s right, I cheated on Prince Charming. Did I mean to? Absolutely not. I curved every guy that hit my inbox and shimmied passed all the guys inquiring for my number in the club. What I neglected to do was prepare myself for an old lover to make an appearance. But, enough with the ambiguous details. 


Let’s just start at the beginning…


Love always seems to have the weirdest timing. When we desire it the most, it refuses to show its’ face. When we aren’t looking for it at all, it appears like a post from someone you blocked on your timeline; shit happens out of nowhere. In true fashion, love slapped me right in the face and forced me to respond. The problem? I don’t think I was ready.


I had been talking to a guy for a few months (for the sake of this post, we’ll call him Ace). Ace and I hit it off instantly. Constantly talking, hanging out and going on random adventures throughout the city. I don’t think it was love, but it was pretty close. Everything was good, until he stopped talking to me abruptly. We said ‘goodnight’ one night and the next day, I was blocked; just like that. I reached out to his friends, wondering what I may have done wrong, only to find that they had no answers for my confusion. I was hurt, but as always, I kept it pushing; refusing to let a guy get the best of me. I liked him, but it wasn’t worth being depressed over. I moved on.


Fast forward a week or five, an old friend/fuck buddy before Ace came back around and wanted more than just my sex. I was ecstatic. We had been involved for years but he had finally come to his senses and realized that I was more than an ‘after bar close’ fling. We had a bond and friendship that was unbroken, even after my fling with Ace. Everything felt right. I secured the title and our relationship took off; all was great and I finally found a love that felt secure. He went from being a dog to Prince Charming. Sis, I was shook.


Who knew love had a good side?


That’s until Ace made a guest appearance that I was completely unprepared for. It started with me seeing him around at random events. It was a little awkward but nothing to contemplate for too long. I thought nothing of it. A few days later, he finds my old Tumblr page and decides to like everything I’ve ever reblogged. One thing was clear: he was trying to get my attention. I ignored it for a few weeks because I was devoted to this new relationship with Prince Charming and was enjoying all the fruits its’ love; but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious to know what Ace wanted. He waited patiently for me to open the door and I did exactly that:


“What do you want?”

“Hi Jan, how are you?”

“What do you want? And why do you keep liking my posts?”


...and so it began.


He proceeded to tell me he wanted to talk along with other things. At first, I wasn’t open to the idea at all. I was happy in my relationship and had let go of I thought. Until it started to hit me that I wasn’t completely over him nor did I get the proper closure from our fling. So, I agreed to meet with him to talk...this was my first mistake. I should have told my Prince at that exact moment my plans with Ace but I figured that I needed this closure and telling him would only complicate our “perfect” relationship.


Ace and I met up and I instantly felt like I had made a mistake. I felt like I was cheating and I hadn’t even hugged the boy. Flash forward a few hours, and we talked it all out. He explained why he blocked me and apologized profusely for leaving me hanging. I yelled at him a little, expressed my feelings and ultimately forgave him at the end of the conversation. By the end of it all, I felt like I was just hanging out with an old friend. Then I made my second mistake:


“Would you like to come over and smoke a little before you head home?” Although I meant nothing by it, I had now opened the door a little further. We continued to discuss and got high. I was reminded of how much I missed his conversation. After the conversation faded, there was a long awkward silence and I proceeded to make my third and final mistake. I made out with Ace for what felt like an eternity but in reality it lasted about 2 minutes.


“You need to go” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” he agreed.


I spent the following months beating myself up and trying to figure out a way to tell my Prince Charming. In my attempt to find closure, I realized that I wasn’t over Ace. I became distant, moody and just generally overwhelmed. My boyfriend noticed my changes but didn’t realize all of this was a result of my own guilt. After a few months, I decided to tell him the truth. I had found peace with losing Ace and knew that Prince Charming was who I wanted to be with.


...But Prince Charming didn’t take my truth lightly.


He was upset. He questioned me and my love for him. He explained that he could no longer see a future with me. At this moment, my two-minute mistake had become more surreal. I beat myself up for a week straight and felt that I didn’t deserve love at all. I had a guy who bought me meals and rubbed my booty without me asking him to...I felt like a failure.


Until my Prince Charming revealed he had some truth to tell as well…

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