Love is… Love is Not…
Life can bring blessings and also lessons. In my previous relationship, if that’s what you want to call it, I only gained two blessings which are my two kids Isaiah and Imani. The lessons have caused me a world of pain, heartache, resentment, hate, crying nights, self-doubt, and unworthiness. So, let me start by saying, growing up I never saw a good example of what a happy and healthy relationship was supposed to be. I grew up without my father, but my mom married the father of my two youngest sisters when I was about 7 years old. In the beginning it was all good or, maybe that’s what I thought because I was too young to even know better. As I got older I started to notice things weren’t right. My mom and her husband would fight constantly and not just verbally. The arguments would turn physical, so me, being the oldest, would always step in to help my mom because I refused to see my mom get pushed on and I couldn’t have my sisters scared and crying. Although I felt those same emotions, I couldn’t show them. I saw my mom get cheated on multiple times and saw her take him back a thousand more times. So, as you can see, none of those behaviors are healthy for a child to see.
As a teenager, I wasn’t one of the girls that guys were checking for, so when I did start a serious relationship in my senior year of high school, you can say I fall hard for him. No guy had ever given me any attention before and I just felt like I was lucky and should hold on as long as I could. The the red flags in this relationship started early, but sometimes, we as women refuse to see the signs and ignore them. There were also times when my intuition would tell me something was going on but, because I had no proof, I would keep my mouth closed.
Moving forward, I had three pregnancies but only two births because I miscarried my first child at twelve weeks. Although my kids are the blessings that came from this relationship, I often wonder how different life would be for me if I just left him after I miscarried, but things happen for a reason. While pregnant with Isaiah I went through so much of him lying, smoking, wanting to hang out with friends, among other things, but I wanted to make it work. I kept telling myself I couldn't be another statistic and not my be with the father of my child so I stayed. I was so weak at one point that when Isaiah was about one years old, I left Isaiah with him so that I could go to the hair salon. My intuition was telling me that something was going on because he kept calling me asking when I would be done and he never did that before. Instead of letting him know I was done I left the salon and basically ran to his house. When I walked in his room he was sitting on the bed feeding Isaiah with a girl in his bed underneath the covers with his tee shirt. Man, when I tell you I lost it, I went crazy in that house.
His family had to come grab me because I was ready to beat his ass and hers.
Every time I reflect on that moment, I feel disappointed in myself because I should’ve been strong enough to end that relationship then, but I was too embarrassed to tell my family the reason. So, I left for a few days but ended up taking him back after all the, "I’m sorry"s and promises. Fast forward two years later and I’m pregnant with my daughter Imani. Those months were even more miserable. He was locked up for assaulting an officer. Then, he ended up on house arrest and couldn’t help me with Isaiah. I was working full time taking care of Isaiah and carrying Imani. In the midst of this, that fool had the audacity and time to cheat.
While at work one day, the girl from the bed a whole two years ago sent me a message on Facebook saying, "I guess he ain't tell you I was pregnant too." Again, I flipped, but doing all the yelling and cussing meant nothing because once again, I stayed. For the love of God, I couldn’t understand why I was allowing him to have so much power over me. A year had gone by and I had mentally checked out of this relationship. During a summer trip to the beach was when I reached my breaking point and enough was enough. He showed his ass the whole time on the trip and embarrassed me in front of my family, so I ended up leaving early. When we got back to the city, we had an argument and he choked me on the streets in front of the kids. When we got to his house, he tried to kick me out in the middle of the night. In the morning, he started the argument again and became physical. I finally got the strength and packed myself and my kids up, left, and went back to mom’s house. I never looked backed. I refused to continue being in this horrible relationship.
It finally clicked in my head that I couldn’t continue the cycle and allow my kids to see a toxic relationship.
I had to stop worrying about how I thought people would react to me being a young single mother. I had to stop thinking I could change him to be someone different. I had to stop believing the lies. Most importantly, I had to believe in my self worth and know that I deserved better than what I was receiving. I needed to gather up all the strength I knew I had and tell myself that I could do this by myself and that I would be great at it the best way I know. I didn’t want my son growing thinking that’s the way women should be treated. I also didn’t want my daughter thinking that love comes with heartaches and constant crying and constant self-doubt.
So, ladies, please never think your not good enough. Don’t let any relationship bring you to your knees. Get up, dust your knees off, lift your head high, fix your crown, go grab your excellence, and live your best life!
My name is Natasha Parker. I'm 29 years old and a mother of two. My son, who is 8 years old and my daughter, who is 6 years. I recently started my own blog called Diary of a Black Mom because I wanted to create a place where women could relate, vent, inspire, and give words of encouragement. I originally wanted to write a book to talk about my experiences as child, teenager, dealing with a toxic relationship while being a young mom, and thought I could reach young girls who might be going through the same things and don’t know how to get out or don’t have anyone to talk to would be able to read my book and know they are not alone. Since I’m not at the stage to publish a book right now, I thought this blog would be the best place to share my story and maybe help others. Please go to www.diaryofablackmom.com and follow me on Instagram @na.tasha5935
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