Song of Reference: Ex-Factor- Lauryn Hill
Can I even consider you an ex? We played that gray area for our entire "relationship". Me, always wanting more and you somehow convincing me what we had was enough. I was young and very dumb, picking petals off of flowers, swearing that you loved me and disregarding the many "love me nots". A tender, light-hearted, 20 year old getting caught up with the likes of you. Not knowing that I would fall deeply under your spell, serving you my heart on a silver platter, and swearing life just wouldn't be right if you weren't in it. I sabotaged my own 'relationships', dating other men but swearing there was just something they lacked because, well, they weren't you; and every time I was ready to come back, there you were with open arms so graciously forgetting that I even tried to move on.
I look back now and call myself pathetic, I was naive to turn away good for someone who treated me mediocre. You caught me at a time in my life where I was unsure of the love I had for myself let alone the feelings of others. You however, were desirable. I thought you were a rose among thorns, a beautiful soul, hard to be picked. Though it took me quite some time, I came to realize that you were just a weed, plentiful in the garden, easily and quickly picked but never proving to be fruitful. You brought temporary moments of happiness that were outweighed by the turmoil, self-doubt and heartache you also pushed into my life.
While loving you is not something I regret, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for the time I allowed you to waste.
For continuing to let you take up wanted space. For becoming so complacent with whatever it was we were doing that I figured out my future with you in it. It is so coincidental that right before it all went to shit, life seemed pretty perfect. We were happy, I was so in love, and FINALLY you decided to solidify my position in your life as something more than just sex. We we're on the right path. But, the way I was able to break free from whatever conjuring you had put on my spirit was life changing for me.
I would like to thank you for showing me all the ways I shouldn't be treated; for breaking me to the core so that I was forced to rebuild. I love differently now, I am more discerning with the energy and love I give and accept into my life. Most importantly, I love myself more than I probably ever have. So for that, you have truly been a blessing in disguise....
My name is Torie Banks and my world is rooted in music, love, and pursuing happiness. I write a blog on my website www.toriebanks.com called Life On Lyric, that is centered in my thoughts feelings, past experiences, and who I really am at my most vulnerable moments in life. I incorporate my love for music into each post by giving them a song of reference that I encourage readers to listen to while reading the post to further understand my feelings. I hope you will join me on this journey of transparency, as I am just beginning. Thank you for reading!
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