Does the perfect man exist? Or am I just too broken to know what to do with him? Am I the only woman that has a panic attack when the idea of marriage comes along? What if I’m not ready? Will I spend my whole life being a flight risk?
I’ve spent my whole life either trying to avoid men or falling for the wrong ones. From heartbreak to heartbreaker, I’ve played both sides of the field. I either get caught up in “what could’ve been” or I break hearts...there has never been an in between for me. I’ve grown to resent love; always anticipating it’s end, always looking for a way out…Simply put, I have commitment issues. Enough men selling you campaign promises and you just grow cold to the idea of a “happily ever after”. I’m good love, enjoy; I’ve got enough self-love to go around.
Simply put, I have commitment issues.
But what do you do when the guy who holds all the right qualities comes around? Do I continue to give love another chance or bail? What happens when he makes it apparent he wants you around for a long time? Better yet, why do I feel like I want to run?
I’ve realized that I’m so used to toxic relationships, I have no idea how to accept a healthy one. He pays for dinner and tells me I’m beautiful early in the morning...what the actual f*ck? When self-love is a concept you've learned a few years ago, compliments are hard to take. I’m just getting used to telling myself this stuff, but does he really think it too?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy but internally, my mind is trying to find a way to jeopardize its’ health; trying to convince myself that it’s “too good to be true”. Do I love my man? Absolutely. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. Is my fear normal or am I just a result of heartbreak and brokenness? Am I truly capable of love? Do I deserve the fruits of its’ labor or has society just told me that’s what I should expect?
My brokenness is not a reflection of what I deserve.
The more he speaks of the future: kids, a wedding, me taking his last name, etc. the more I overanalyze and sike myself out; the more I feel the need to question what is clearly for me. He is my person, I just have to know it to be true. My brokenness is not a reflection of what I deserve. Almost any other woman would kill to be in my shoes while I’m struggling to tie them correctly. I’ve never wanted to get married, never envisioned my wedding, hell, I don’t even know who I would select as bridesmaids. I’ve just gotta take this one day at a time and breathe. Why am I trippin’? He hasn’t even asked yet.
Jandeltha Rae is a 25 year old creative from Minneapolis. With a love for words, poetry is her vice; it's her most powerful outlet and biggest aide through her journey. Outside of poetry, she has a love podcasting as host of If Anyone Cares (If-Anyone-Cares.com), modeling and photography. She enjoys making connections, making people laugh and just vibing with other beautiful souls. You can follow her on Instagram and Twitter: @jandeltha_rae
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