This blog is a part of our #MixedLove series.
It’s not often that I have to put my big girl panties on with the guys I hook up with. Usually, things fizzle out or we ghost on one another. But there was one time I had to be a big girl, own my feelings and make a promise to myself.
Just so you know, every time I get a new fuck buddy, I always make them promise this: “if we’re going to do this then we need to be honest and tell each other if we’re catching feelings to end it”. No feelings, no problems.
Well I slipped up and got lost in the sauce. We had been casually hooking up on and off for two years, the longest committed yet non-committed thing I’ve ever done. We would only text each other “you up” at 2 AM. Never purposefully going out together, just meeting up at the end of the night for a nightcap and good sex. We knew what we were to one another and it was simple.
It started with us not much talking; then we started to cake a bit. Before I knew it, we were talking about hopes and dreams, how things were going at work and we even wished each other’s siblings happy birthday. Could you blame me? He had a place, 9-5 job, and a 401k. He talked to me about getting his MBA and I never knew that was dirty talk until then! One thing that really stood out in our conversations was him confiding in me about racial identity, because we’re both mixed. He was able to share things with me he couldn’t with his white friends and co-workers. It started to get too deep.
One night after we had sex I rolled over and looked at him. My heart sank as he turned, looked at me, smirked, and kissed me on the forehead.
"I'm starting to like you...and you know my rules...so what are we going to do?" I said, knowing this may be the last time I see him. He was quiet for a minute.
“I… Can’t be what you deserve…” He rolled over and looked at the ceiling. “I don’t have the time to give you what you need.”
“Okay… we’re done then.” I sat up to grab my things to go. “Do you want me to go?”
He looked at me “This is probably the last time, so you might as well stay.”
I spent the night and kissed him goodbye in the morning. I haven’t talked to him since. I didn’t realize how detached I was from relationships until I walked away from that situationship and moved on like nothing happened. I didn’t respond the way people expected me to. I’m glad I didn’t let my feelings eat at me and poison me as they would if I held them in and continued to hook up with him.
I put on my big girl panties and ended it.
For the month of August, BHC is partnering with Midwest Mixed to bring you the #MixedLove Series! We are inviting you to share your relationship stories as a woman identifying as or dating someone of mixed race.
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