It’s said that time heals all wounds but I’m convinced that you never fully heal; you just get better. Nonetheless, I’ve been healing myself from these wounds and I’ve learned a thing or two…
1. Love on Yourself
Love consumed me to the point where I lost who I was for the sake of love. All of my thoughts and actions revolved around my man at the time; I neglected myself. I sold myself short for his pleasure. I was a mess. I was full of love and gave none of it to myself. I spent the last three years of my life relearning myself and the things that I enjoy. I drowned myself in compliments, affirmations and spent way too much money on shit that I liked. I walked around the house naked, ignored phone calls and smoked weed while watching ‘How to Get Away from Murder’ on Netflix. Why? Because that’s what I wanted to do...and it felt good. I discovered the parts that I loved about myself and worked on the things that needed improvement. I stopped comparing myself to others simply because they just weren’t me. I learned how to work my magic and realized that even if someone tried to take it from me, they still wouldn’t know how to work it like me. There’s a certain kind of power in knowing that no one can it like you.
2. Stop Listening to Their Opinions of You
First off sis, fuck everybody. Seems harsh, right? In reality, we spend so much time listening to what everyone thinks of us instead of focusing on what we think about ourselves. So what if he thinks you’re fat. If you’re healthy and in love with your body, who gives a flying fuck about what someone’s son has to say. Furthermore, they aren’t YOU. They have no idea who you are, what you’ve been through or even why you are the way you are. I often heard “you’re too emotional” or “stop being so sensitive” and I felt like that was something I needed to change about myself. But being sexually abused from ages 6-14 will do that to you. I learned that I didn’t need to explain that or myself to anyone but my mama. My emotions are my truth; my emotions are proof that I survived and I’m still healing.
We spend so much time listening to what everyone thinks of us instead of focusing on what we think about ourselves.
3. Compare Yourself to Yourself, Not Everyone Else
When you get cheated on over and over and over again, this is hard not to do. You’re constantly thinking you’re not good enough; trying to find ways to adjust yourself to seem more appealing to your love. You’ve got to believe in your own beauty and know it to be true. Just because someone else is “beautiful” doesn’t mean you aren't. Since when did someone else's looks diminish your own? Compare yourself to yourself. Look at where you were last year. Are you the same person you were then? Are you doing the same things? Use yourself as motivation to be better and do better. You could compare yourself to someone else all day but you’ll never be them, no matter how hard you try. And you’ll lose the uniqueness of you in the process.
4. Know Your Worth
Too often, we settle. We settle for jobs that don’t make us happy because the money is good. We settle for abuse because we’re afraid to be alone. We settle in the name of love because we don’t know who we are. Stop it. No one, I repeat, NO ONE, should have so much control over you that just take what they have to offer without question. Your life is yours. Claim it and make decisions for yourself. Self-worth does not include how many likes you get on Instagram or how many men you have clawing at your feet. Your worth submerges from self-love; Requiring someone to love you in the same way that you love yourself. Keep that same energy, sis. Never sleep on yourself. You are more powerful than you know and anyone who enters your life should be aware of that and respect that power. Be confident in what you bring to the table and don’t allow anyone to dim your light because of their own insecurities.
Never sleep on yourself. You are more powerful than you know.
5. It’s Okay to Be Alone
I get it, the world is scary. No one wants to be alone. No one wants to face the ugliest parts of themselves when they’ve spent their whole life fighting to hide them away. No one wants to feel unwanted. What you’re feeling goes without question, I understand. The thing is, you HAVE to learn to be alone. You have to learn to make decisions for you and only you. You have to learn how not to be influenced by others. You have to learn yourself in your weakest moments. You have to be vulnerable with yourself. Being alone is scary. It makes us consciously and subconsciously feel less than but in reality, you’re so much stronger when you meet yourself at the brink of loneliness and survive. You need yourself more than you know. People aren’t dependable; why not depend on yourself.
6. Feel What you Need Too
Someone once told me: “Feel the feeling, but don’t become the emotion”. This is probably the best advice I’ve ever received. Understand this: it’s okay to feel. As a matter of fact, it’s necessary to life. Allowing yourself to feel opens up a conversation of self-reflection.
Why do I feel this way? What did I learn? How can I stop feeling this way? What are the steps to getting over it?
Often times, we feel something and allow ourselves to settle in that emotion. We mask grieving with anger, sadness, and all the other emotions others have made us feel. We become bitter because we’re still holding onto the emotion rather than reflecting about why we felt it in the first place. People have told me I’m emotional. It used to bother me, but not anymore. I’ve found beauty in the fact that I can feel something, understand why I feel it, and then let it go. I don’t hold grudges or bottle up emotions. I’ve learned how to separate my emotions from my judgements of people. I’m angry at you changed to I’m angry at what you did. I’ve learned to trust my emotional judgement and make decisions based on my worth; NOT the emotions I feel at the time. We as humans too often don’t allow ourselves to grieve. We settle for feeling a feeling without allowing ourselves the time to actually let go.
It’s okay to cry. Cry for a month if you need to; as long as you come to understand why those tears were necessary for your growth.
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