FIRST LOVE

June 8, 2018

Ever heard of the saying, “Your father is your first love?” Well...

 

First you broke my heart

It was you who hurt me most

But wanted to love me

You broke me into streams of emotions

 

I lied

I cried

Therefore, punished for being happy

For being myself

For finding love

 

Used to get along

Earlier times

Time passed, and things are different

 

First it was you,

Who abused my emotions

Couldn’t get out of that motion

Lost myself pleasing you

I can’t be myself

 

First it was you,

Teaching me a new way of life

Found God

A new me

A sadder me

A wiser me

More knowledgeable me?

 

I was your first creation

My blood is yours

And I don’t need you anymore

 

Sounds like daddy issues, right? Pretty much.

 

My parents decided they were not in love anymore when I was 8 years old. Only child. It didn’t affect me much. I was very young. I’ve grown up with a strong, understanding and independent mother. My dad sought me out, so I or he wasn’t forgotten. I wasted time on my father, stuck in a cycle of being daddy’s little girl and a disappointment.

 

I felt enslaved from my teenage years to an adult with my father. I was the good girl, yet I felt like I was never good in his eyes. Regardless of the good I was, my faults and uniqueness outweighed my worthiness to him. He is a Christian man; a man who believes in the term “judge righteously;” a man who vowed he wouldn’t be controlling like my grandfather but is; a man I wanted so hard to please…all our wars were my endless tears and feeling weak.

 

Hitting my twenties, I found the embodiment of a man who knew how to love a woman. I blossomed being with him. I discovered myself and felt happier but was in a secret war with my father. I was fooled into thinking my father loved me enough to finally let me be myself. My blossoming was just a test. My glow didn’t shine as bright over religion as I thought.

 

At 22, I set myself free and chose happiness. No more expectations, emotional abuse, disappointment or having to prove my worth. Ever since, I walked away from those who did or made me feel any of those things.

 

Some may think it’s selfish, but I know it’s self-love.

 

 

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