For as long as I can remember, I have been an Independent Bad Bitch. I’m not talking about the Lil’ Boosie version that focuses on money and paying bills. I’m talking about a woman that knows her truth, owns her truth and is unapologetically herself. Her ambition elevates her beauty and her hustle is unmatched. She can handle any situation thrown her way with grace, and even if she can’t, you won’t be able to tell. That covers the “Independent” part. Being a “Bad Bitch” is something you just have. It's swag, a twinkle, something you really can’t describe.
What if you become so used to being independent that it starts to get lonely?
Now don’t get it twisted, I LOVE being alone, but it would be really nice to have someone that I enjoy spending time with and, to be honest, someone to have bomb sex with. The biggest problem is, I am getting in my own way when it comes to relationships. If you can relate to any of the descriptions above, I bet you know where I’m about to go with this. We, Independent Bad Bitches, have worked our asses off for everything we have in life. We hold ourselves and the people around us to a higher standard and that makes dating really fucking hard.
Here are three things that I have noticed I do as an Independent Bad Bitch that are holding me back from being in a relationship, along with a few things that I am hoping will help me work on them:
1. The Shell of Perfection
Y’all know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you don’t, you’re in denial! Every morning I wake up and put on my fake face (and no I’m not talking about makeup). I look myself in the mirror every morning and subconsciously think, “What do I want people to think of me today?” I then put on every layer of armor. I become a confident, outgoing, cold hearted, boss bitch that don’t need a man. I'm personable, but not too personal, perfect and put together. I then layer on the hats that I want to wear that day: creator, multitasker, photographer, graphic designer, marketer, and advertiser. These are all the things I subconsciously dress myself in each day to face the world. I fear for what will happen if on the day I put on that armor and it gets cracked. What will people see? What will people think?
I was in a relationship where I let him trip me of my armor. He saw my battle scars and wounds. He saw the “L’s” I swore no one would ever see. Unfortunately, because I wasn’t with a man who was ready to be with a woman like myself, he took his shot at my weaknesses and stabbed me in the chest after I stripped the very armor I used to protect myself from hurt like that. He cheated on me multiple times (if any of you were wondering). I swore from then on, that the world would never see my weak spots again because they didn’t deserve them and I didn’t deserve that type of pain.
Tip: I’m not going to tell you to strip your armor right away, and I’m sure as hell not going to tell you to do it with the first man you ever meet. Take your alone time to evaluate what some of those layers of armor are. Then start taking them off one piece at a time with the people you trust. It will make it that much easier to try to take those pieces off when you meet someone you want to show your battle scars to.
2. Being in a Relationship Does Not Mean Losing Your Independence!!!
When you are in the right relationship with the right person, which will take a little trial and error to find, you will never feel as though you have to depend on someone. Especially for your happiness! The beauty of being an Independent Bad Bitch is that our happiness comes from within; I WANT that person around. I do not NEED them around.
When I mentioned the right person, there are a few universal qualities that you are going to need in your significant other, particularly in men. They have to be self-assured and self-confident. A man that has both of these qualities will never be threatened by your Queendom. He will hold his head high and not only applaud your successes but support them. His authority won’t be threatened and you’ll have a partner in crime. It’s a plus to have someone equally as ambitious as you; that way he won’t resent you for having goals like parasites do. You’ll have someone you can come home to and share your success with. Support is a two way street, you need to cheer him on as much as he does you. Remember that, Queen.
Where are these magical men?! To be honest, many men aren’t mentally ready; that has nothing to do with you. It’s also not your job to coach or teach these men how to be what you expect from them. It is a very important conversation to have, as expectations cannot be reached if they are not defined, but don’t try to make a man into what he is not. Be patient.
3. Let a Man Be a Man
Honestly, this idea still makes me roll my eyes based on the definition of independence I have come up within my head, but my older sister gave me a really good point on the phrase one night after going out to get drinks with this guy.
We were having a great time talking about our photography, jobs and other hobbies that came up during conversation. When the check came to the table, I insisted that they be separate. He held his tongue and we paid our own way. We were both parked in the same direction so he kindly walked me to my car. The sidewalk we were walking on was a busy street and he insisted on walking on the outside of the sidewalk because the man walks on the outside to protect the woman. “That’s bullshit!” I yelled as I rolled my eyes and kept walking on the outside of the sidewalk. “If I get hit by a car, it’s my time!” He just hung his head, shaking it and moved me to the inside of the sidewalk. “Ladies walk on the inside” he repeated to me. We quickly changed the subject.
The next day, I was sitting, having lunch with my sister and I told her about the date. After listening to me run on about how he wanted me to walk on the inside of the sidewalk, she brought up a pretty good point: “Sometimes, you just have to let a man be a man. Do you ever notice how your brother and dad walk on the outside of the sidewalk and always let the ladies order first? That’s because they were raised to respect women. And by disrespecting them on what they learned as respect makes us no better than the guys that disrespect us.” Damn, she was right. It made me think back to times I've acted accordingly and guys were rude to me. It made me bitter and treat men poorly. We, as women, then expect men to treat us respectfully, yet we don’t respect them when they do; at least I don’t. Huh, a concept.
This isn’t a lesson on how to catch a man, nor am I trying to shun or shame anyone. These are a few things I have realized myself and am still learning as an Independent Bad Bitch. I am still single as hell and working on myself as I encourage everyone to do. Take a minute, look inward and really think about what it is that you see in yourself because that is what makes you the wonderful Queen that you are!
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